8.7.05 ;

Yesterday I saw you & you.
& everything came to a stand still.

I've been expecting this for the longest
of time. Yet when the moment came,
I didn't know how to react.

I wanted to run;
after & away from you both.

Disrupted by the pull of contrary forces,
I stood rooted to the ground, frightened.

Part of me wanted very much to go up to
you & remind you of my existence; that
I haven't dropped off the face of Earth.
To show you how well I'm surviving,
without you.

Part of me was afraid to see the other you,
the villian of the piece. Remember the seed
of fear you planted in me? Because I allowed
myself to be mired in the past, I nurtured it.
I fear you, even till today, & I abhor you.

-

"Don't worry, I won't ever abandon you."
"No matter what happens, I'll take care of you."
"You can call me Mummy."

I wanted to believe in everything you said,
it all sounded so good. I eventually did, as my
trust in you grew. Only to have you turn my
world upside down. Your words now all seem
dubious. I should've known then, they were
too good to be true. All Bullshit.

I hate you for abandoning me.
No explanation, no last words, nothing.
I hate you for being on his side when I
was scared & needed you more than he did.
Can I also hate you for not protecting me?

You turned your back against me , went
& gave your tongue to the Devil on a dish.

Anger often masquerades as fear.
I decided that I don't hate you afterall.
(I still hate that man beside you though)

So, I summed up all my courage & sneaked
up behind you, fingers crossed, holding onto
just a spark of hope that you'd care enough
to inquire about my life. It has been, afterall,
2 years since we last saw each other.

"Oh, hi."

Our eyes met for a brief few seconds
& you turned away. Stupefied, that's
how I felt.

"Bye."

I packed a truckload of disappointment
into that single syllable as I fought to hold
back my tears.

I was waiting on a different story.
I didn't think I valued you this much
until yesterday but it shall all be history
now. & may history never repeat.

I'll rid this love/hate & fear for good.


-

Thank you for holding me while I cried.