23.7.05 ;

A love dipped in anaesthetic; finale of a pen-down.

Sometimes, anger just doesn't describe the scene anymore.
Neither does irritation nor all the rash emotions. All that's
left is a numbing disappointment. I'd walked away from it all
feeling pained, feeling disappointed, but I'm no longer angry.
I guess. I'm still rather uncertain at this point in time.

People rear their ugly heads at the strangest moments.
But anyhow, what had been etched onto the memories
cannot be erased. Question is, is the love strong enough
to maintain some sense of familiarity with the ugly head?
One can only hope, because feelings can't be measured
with a scientific instrument. Instead, I choose to measure
it against sacrifices & compromises.

What you are willing to give up, & what I'm willing to give
you back. It isn't, what you are willing to give up, I will do
the same. Note the difference. Just because you can give
up your friends, doesn't necessary mean I am willing to.

I swore once, no matter how head over heels in love I may be,
or no matter how anyone's charm may make my hormones
rage, it will never get to the point where he/she takes priority
over my friends. It's a no-brainer.

I take time warming up to someone, because more often than
not, I don't trust people enough to share with them everything
I feel. There is suspicion in the air, & the fact that most people
around me aren't primary school children anymore, the seed of
cynicism is deeply rooted. Everyone has motives. Because of
this cynicism in human nature as they grow older, it becomes
increasingly difficult to create relationships or friendships &
discern who my real friends & fair weather ones are.

/Jealousy spreads like poison
If you can actually push aside the jealousy that's engulfed you,
you might just see that what I have become is the result of your
poison for the past few months.

I cannot become your fairytale perfect girl.

-

It wouldn't be long until you realise, that negativity has its way of toying you.